Crazy Little Thing Called Love

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“Love you.”

 

Oh fuck, what do I say? Do I love her? Maybe. Oh Fuck! Is this really love What do I say?

 

“Um… Thanks Babe.”

 

Awkward.

 

I love you. Words that we have all said, words that should mean the world but words that are often abused and overused for personal gain. What is love and more importantly how do you know you are in love? Love I think, is much the same as pain in that it is a totally subjective experience so the answers to these questions are as individual as the people in love. Ironic is that, in my experience love very rarely comes without the pain.

Is there ever really a nice way to respond in that awkward moment if you don’t love her back? You can’t say “I like you a lot” or “I might love you one day” that’s just mean.

But what is love? Is love that cliche movie moment when you see that person for the first time and the romantic music starts playing? You lock eyes from across the room and know instantly that this person is the person that you are meant to spend the rest of your life with? Should you be disappointed if your first kiss is anything but fireworks and butterflies?

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If the relationship ends and you leave brokenhearted, does that mean you were in love but weren’t loved in return?

 

When you enter a new relationship and fall in love with your partner does that mean you never really loved the previous partner? Or should you learn not to compare relationships?  I think that the later is the best option, after all you can’t get distracted by the past and the bitches who broke you.

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How many of you have said those three little words and regretted it, or realised later that you didn’t really mean it or have found your way into a new relationship and thought ‘Hmmm, maybe I didn’t love that person because the way I feel about this person is so different’? Or worse how many of you lovely ladies have used the L word (no not lesbian) for personal gain? Shame on you for those how have! Any Sapphic Sisters out there that have dropped the L bomb and been rebuffed? Come with me and we will get ice cream and watch the L Word together.

 

I feel that lesbians are ‘I Love You’ sluts. We say the words at the drop of a hat, and that’s not our fault, not really. It’s the urge to merge and all of the chemicals in our brains that make our feelings so strong. But it is true that we say i love you a lot, whether we mean it or not.

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Love, that one little word can be the most terrifying and amazing word and feeling in the world. That moment just before you say those three little words for the first time and the butterflies that come with the moment are amazing. What is more amazing though, is when the words are reciprocated and you can’t help but do a little happy dance in your head.

 

But ladies, is it really love? I want to know how you think you know if it’s true love (the forever kind)? Or is not knowing all part of the game called life?

 

But in the mean time I would love with your whole heart, enjoy the romance and if she loves you back, never let her go.

 

xxx

 

Eldiese

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The Lies We Tell

We all lie. We are only human after all and nobody is perfect. There are, however, many different kinds of lies and each different type has different consequences. I feel like as lesbians there are a stock standard list of lies that I’m sure you can tick off either having fallen victim too or that have slipped out of your mouth on occasion.

This list started with some friends of mine after Taylor admitted to faking orgasms with her girlfriend. I can tell you that only one of us in that conversation who was shocked was Taylor’s girlfriend. I mean, who hasn’t faked an orgasm or two? But then the question arises, why do we fake orgasms?

There are so many reasons! I think that for a lot of women in relationships we fake orgasms because they a) don’t want to hurt their partners feelings if they are not in the mood or b) the relationship is suffering form lesbian bed death. I don’t think that faking orgasms is something that should be taken personally unless of course it is happening all the time and them perhaps you’re just really bad in bed.

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What about those girls who lie about being gold stars? For this of you who aren’t down with the lingo, a gold star is a lesbian who has never slept with a man. I am definitely no gold star and I have never claimed to be. Some women do, however, claim to be gold starts because they feel that there is a stigma related to those of us who took a while to come out or tried to conform before we accepted our true nature. Who cares if some of us have had the old hot dog in our bun? Apparently some do. Really though, why lie about it?

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I personally, am of the opinion that if you like girls and vagina then you’re gay but some lovely ladies out there believe that you’re only really gay if you’re a top. I mean, how many times have you met a girl and she comes across all assertive and dominating only to get her home and find out she’s a pillow princess? Ladies, just because you like to star fish it while she’s going down on you does not mean that you aren’t gay. She’s still a girl, you’re still a girl. Sounds pretty gay to me.

This one’s a no brainer. She’s not friends with her ex. Of course she’s friends with her ax. We’re all friends with our ex’s and if we’re not we would still run a mile for her if she called and asked us for help because once we sapphic sisters have formed that bond, it’s not going anywhere. I know, we all wish the ex’s would just run away to an island somewhere and we would never have to deal with them ever again, but alas then there would be no lesbian left and that would be a tragedy. My tip though, even if she does say she’s not talking to her ex, don’t go looking for evidence, because if you think she is, then you’re probably right and if that’s the case, do you really want to know? 

And finally there’s the big one. How many people she’s slept with. Now in my personal opinion there are two ways to answer this question and the answers come from two different types of people. Theres the understatement and the exaggeration. The understatement comes from the girl who doesn’t want to look like a slut, you might really like the person who has asked you how many girls you’ve slept with or you might just be worried about your reputation. So you lie.

“No baby I didn’t participate in a lesbian orgy where I was elbow deep in at least ten other girls. I haven’t even reached double digits.” Lie.

Or there are the girls who exaggerate. I think that the exaggerators are the one’s with the huge ego’s who think they have something to prove. These are the girls who will point to random ladies around the room and tell you they’ve slept with them just to make themselves look good (or easy depending on how you look at it). Most of the time I think that you might exaggerate to your bros a little, but perhaps its not a good idea to exaggerate your number of previous sexual partners with your current girlfriend.

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So ladies, how many of these little lies have you been guilty of? How many have you been caught out on? And what other lies have you told your partner or friends?

I won’t tell anyone. Promise.

xx

Eldiese

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Dear Butch… Love Femme

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Dear Butch…

I see you. I rolled over this morning and saw you there sleeping peacefully, your swagger gone, your femininity enhanced while you are in your sleeping form. I smiled to myself because I am so privileged to see behind the butch bravado that you show the world, to see the woman that society thinks is missing.

When I saw you from across the room in your bow tie and your suit that night, all swagger and bravado, I knew I wanted to know you more, that there was more to you than meets the eye, so maybe I knew more about you then you initially thought. I know you saw me in my dress and my heels, my make up, I did it all for you. I did it so that you would notice me. You sauntered over to me, cocky, ready to pounce on this ‘innocent’ femme, but I know your game. I am a High Femme and I know how to play, but you knew that already. One touch of your face and you’re blushing. I thought you were adorable, but don’t worry, I would never tell anyone. Your reputation is safe with me. 

I hold my head high and let you guide me around the room, hand on the small of my back as you show me off , knowing that you are mine and I am so proud to be yours. My dapper butch, the flutter in my heart when you open the door for me and pull my seat out, I just can’t explain how special you make me feel. I have always been a princess, but with you I feel like a queen.

I am a high femme, my title means a lot o me. The way I identify is who I am. You are a butch, I’m sure you understand. I am not weak, and I am not submissive or helpless. I think that heterosexual society often perceives me as a damsel in distress and you as a man. I am glad that they are wrong. Maybe we should show them what happens behind closed doors my love? Maybe we should show them your subtle blush when I tell you that you’re beautiful or how you trust me enough to let me take over in the bedroom. We could let them see you wearing my apron and cooking me dinner. Better yet, let them see you holding a baby, my big tough butch dissolved to goo’s and gaa’s and lots of clucking. No my love, perhaps we should keep our relationship a mystery, who doesn’t love to be stereotyped by people who do not understand?

As a High Femme, I am not a gender stereotype and I am not going against my sex or my feminist ideals by being girly, by letting you open jars for me or you holding the door. I am a good girlfriend and I take pride in that. I can be soft and helpless sometimes, but so can you.  I date women who wear suits, not because they look like men, but because they are women. I wish that society didn’t judge our relationship by the way we look. I am high femme and I could not be more comfortable. Yes I like to be protected and I love the chivalry and butch mannerisms that you show me, but I can fight for myself and I will protect you to the end. It is not you that society needs to be weary of, it is me.

I see the way people look at you on the street and I know you know that I am on guard always to protect you, to protect us. I wonder how those people who stare, the ones who look at you when you walk into the woman’s bathroom, how would they feel if we were to stare at them and the person who’s hand they are holding. What about those people who give us a thumbs up on the street or people that yell their approval? Sometimes I wonder what it would be like to be a straight couple, quieter I guess. One day my love, people won’t make a fuss, we will go unnoticed. For that day, I cannot wait.

What will happen when one day you carry our child? Can society comprehend a pregnant butch? I cannot wait to see you with that mother to be glow on your face, I think it is the only way you could possibly be more beautiful. You are, after all, a woman. You have a lady heart just underneath the surface of your rough, rugged, butch exterior. Your heart is feminine and tender with a great capacity to love like only a woman can.

I see you beautiful girl, I see your masculinity, your femininity,  I see the way you look at me like I am your world. I see you cry, I see your heartache, I see you all.

And I love all I see.

Love Femme.

xx

Eldiese

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We Do What To Our Vaginas?!


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Ok, so here in Sapphic City we talk about having vagina pride a lot. For those of you who are unfamiliar with the term allow me to educate you:

Vagina Pride: Having pride in one's pubic region, being proud and able to discuss any and all topics vagina related when necessary. Vagina Pride also incorporates the act of maintaining one's vaginal region not only in regard to health and hygiene but also maintaining one's pubic hair, not only for your significant other's benefit but also for the improvement of your own self esteem. 

Now while I am all for Vagina Pride I feel as though some women take it a little bit too far with their vaginal maintenance. Recently on a trip down the isles of my local chemist I found a variety of products that a) I had never heard of and b) would not in a million years use and none of them were cheap, from Femme Fresh to Douching and Vingal Bleach. But this little trip got me thinking, what other extravagant methods of vaginal maintenance are out there? How do other women out there feel good about their privates? 

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I use the term Vagina Pride to help women feel empowered by their genitals, not to add to the already overwhelming expectations of the beauty industry. However it occurs to me that perhaps some women feel as though their privates aren't up to the standards that society has placed. 
Now, I'm not on to judge, how you feel proud about your bit and pieces is up to you, so the following is all meant in jest, but here is a list of the most outlandish things I found that women do to feel more Vagina Pride. 

So lets talk about the first thing that comes to mind… 

Odur - Vaginal deoderant (seriously)
While I'm the first to admit that no lotus flower actually smells like roses, I am a firm advocate that good hygiene will solve the majority of dour problems but apparently that's not enough. One look in your local chemist's 'feminine hygiene' section and you will find a myriad of products all designed to freshen up you meat curtains and (depends on the fragrance you choose) make them smell like a tropical island (because every woman wants a vag that smells like bali.)

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If you are going to use these products ladies, my advice would be to read the fine print and do some research first. Many of these products include chemicals that may be harmful to you. For example; on my trip to Price Attack I found 3 different vaginal deodorants that contained Benzethonium Chloride google this shit! It's used in cleaning products and is even classified as a poison in some countries! Make sure you are away of what you are putting inside your bodies ladies! Did I forget to mention that these deodorisers are vaginal suppositories? Yup! For minty fresh breath just shove a couple of those straight into your love tunnel! Dirt and Grossness-Douching For those of you who aren't aware, douching is when you force a mixture of fluids into the vagina with a tube and a pump. Im going back to my previous statement here… Good hygiene is all you need! You don't need to be squirting chemicals into your V.J.J. 1. it's messy and 2. its dangerous. Most health professionals will actually discourage the use of douching, like products such as Femme Fresh Douching can disrupt the balance of natural flora (the good bacteria) in your vagina and lead to yeast infections etc (you just got schooled by the Nurse side of me). If your vagina smells bad or has a funny discharge then go and see your doctor, don't shove some random chemical or home remedy up there. Douching can actually lead to ectopic pregnancy and infertility!
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Loose Flaps - Vag Rejuvenation
Ok so Vaginal rejuvenation does not solve the low hanging flaps issue but it does claim to make your vagina tighter! That's right ladies! A tighter V.J.J.! I don't know about you ladies, but I've never had any complaints in that department and even after you've pushed out a kid or two is a bit of extra room down below really reason enough to pointing a laser at it? 

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And although all the stars are apparently doing it this $4000-$20 000 procedure can lead to all sorts of post op complications including infection, altered sensation, adhesions and scarring. In other words, you'll be really tight but also really oozy and bumpy because of all of your infected scar tissue. 

Ugly V.J.J. - Labiaplasty
Labiaplasty is a surgical procedure in which a portion of your labia is removed in order to make it look more attractive. I love vagina, but I wouldn't say that it's the prettiest part of the female body… but is getting bits of it cut off really going to help? But a lot of self conscious women do this is order to make their flaps equal in length, shorter and more petite and feminine. Again I ask, what was wrong with it in the first place? So how much will a procedure like this set you back? $5000 or more. 

And if you're completely unhappy with the whole outside region Dr. Red Alinsod, a urogynecologist in Laguna Beach, California, has the procedure for you! 'The Barbie': a procedure that excises the entire labia minora. This results in a “clamshell” aesthetic: a smooth genital area, the outer labia appearing “sealed” together with no labia minora protrusion. So add the barbie with some vaginal rejuvenation and you can be nice and smooth on the outside and tight one the inside! Perfect!

And if all else fails and you're still not happy with your nether region… just get some vegazzling! Then it will be so shinny that your conquest won't realise that your flaps are uneven and scarred!

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xx

Eldiese

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The Dictionary

Your go to resource for new lesbians and hetero’s…

Please don’t take offence to what I’ve written, if you feel like I have the wrong understanding of the word or if you feel like I have missed anything please let me know.

Andro/Androgyny/Androgynous: A lesbian who is neither butch nor femme, but may appear as both. A gender fluid butterfly. Might also go by: gender fluid, gender queer.

Baby Dyke: A young, newbie lesbian (can you say “drama”?).

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Beard:  a “beard” is a person of the opposite sex who marries or dates a closeted lesbian or gay person to cover up their homosexuality.

Bicurious: A straight girl who wants to indulge her lesbian fantasies. (Occasionally, a lesbian who wants to indulge her hetero fantasies.)

Bisexual: A girl (or guy) who likes both girls and boys. This does not mean that all bisexuals date a number of people at one time or that they are unfaithful. 

Boi: A boyish lesbian/a soft butch… Typically wearing the snap back and singlet with low rider jeans.

Bottom: Someone who is submissive in bed.

Breeder: A derogatory term for a straight person.

Butch: A masculine lesbian. For women, the term sometimes references not only a look (short haircut, men’s clothing and shoes, lack of make-up) but also an attitude of control and dominance in relation to another woman and of course their gentlemanly manners.

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Butch Jaxon – Author of Butch on Tap

Chapstick lesbian: A tomboy lesbian. Doesn’t quite fit the stud or femme description. Usually in between the two extremes. A lesbian who wears Chapstick rather than lipstick.

Clam Slammed: An annoying experience to have – the lesbian example of cock blocking.

Dental Dam: A latex square to be placed over the vagina before oral sex as a safer alternative to prevent the spread of sexually transmitted diseases. Sometimes referred to as a female condom.

Drag King: a drag king is a woman who dresses to look like a man, usually for performance. Drag kings are often lesbian, but not always.

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Dyke: Another (less Femme) word for lesbian.

Dykes on Bikes: Gay women who ride motorcycles. This is also a name adopted by groups of women on motorcycles who typically lead Pride parades in the U.S. In San Francisco, where at least 100 women typically lead the S.F. Pride Parade each year, the San Francisco Women’s Motorcycle Contingent has trademarked the name “Dykes on Bikes” which now prevents any other group from using the title officially without SFWMC permission.

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Fag Hag: A staight woman who loves the company of the gay male community, such as drag shows, and going to gay bars. She also has a best friend that is gay and the have everything in a hetro relationship except the sex part. And they share what best girlfriends have incomon. Most often the gay men she hangs out with ecspcially if she is beautiful are attracted to her, but the attraction is only them admiering her beauty and the drag queens want to be her. And her main fag is usually very proud to have her as a hag. And a true fag hag isn’t ashamed to admit who she is.

Femme: A feminine lesbian. Identifying traits are often painted nails, make-up and “girly” clothes.

FTM: A female-to-male transsexual. May or may not have previously identified as a lesbian.

Gaydar: An intuitive ability to determine whether another person is gay or not. Gaydar relies heavily on social mannerisms and behaviors. The word derives from a combination of Gay + Radar.

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Genderqueer: No, that’s not a typo. It’s a word that means you don’t limit your gender identity to the typical man/woman archetype. For instance, maybe you feel like you’re both man and woman, or maybe you feel like you’re neither. Either way, it’s all good.

Gold star: A lesbian who’s never been with a man (a sometimes rare but worthy find).

Hasbian: A long-term lesbian who returns to Dicksville after being in Lesbo-Land for some time (often derogatory).

Femme: A feminine lesbian.

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High Femme: High femmes are femmes who intentionally and consistently embrace and express femininity past the point that most straight women do and we may just a little high maintenance.

Intersexual:Describes a person born with genitalia that is not clearly male or female. Along with the sexes Male and Female, there are an estimated 3 other sexes – Ferm, Merm and Herm (see definitions) – as defined physically by genitalia. Research indicates that numerous children are born with ambiguous genitalia but are often reshaped by surgeons usually without parents’ consent or knowledge. These operations can result in emotional trauma, loss of genital sensation and/or loss of the  ability to orgasm. Additionally, some people are born with genital sex organs that do not match their XY chromosomes. A notable American novel that has dealt with this issue is Middlesex, winner of the 2003 Pulitzer Prize for fiction. Author Jeffrey Eugenides, an American who lived in Berlin during the writing of Middlesex, tells the passionate and confusing story of a man who seems to be a girl at birth but becomes something altogether different as her life unfolds.

Lesbian: A women who is sexually and emotionally attracted to other women.

Lipstick lesbian: A lipstick lesbian is a woman who loves other women, but also loves her clothes and makeup and shoes. She tends to dress on the femmy side

Malesbian: Harmless but slightly creepy straight guy who thinks he is a lesbian. Often misunderstood.

Marble: A woman who maintains her heterosexual marriage while recognising that she is actually gay. (MARried But LEsbian.)

Meerkat: A straight girl in a gay environment (otherwise known as a fag hag). Easily recognisable by their uncomfortable posture (resembling a market).

MTF: Male-to-female transsexual. Better known as trans woman. Or just woman. Trans women can be lesbians too.

Packing: When a lesbian wears a strap-on under their clothes to give the impression that there is “something else” there. Socks can also be used.

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Parthenogenesis: Reproduction without sperm fertilization of a female egg, in other words, Virgin birth. The term is relevant among lesbians – and in lesbian science fiction – where there is interest and desire to live in all-women environments with no need for men in the creation of children. In 2004, Japanese scientists announced the creation of the first fatherless mammal (a mouse) from two female eggs, leading some to believe that not only may it someday become possible to reproduce without men, it may also become possible to for two women to reproduce as well.

Pillow Princess: A girl who likes to receive sexually (but refuses to give in return).

Polyamory: The practice of openly having more than one sexually intimate relationship or partnership with the full knowledge and consent of everyone involved. This is sometimes abbreviated to “poly” and also referred to as “responsible nonmonogamy.” Polyamory does not describe the act of having more than one marriage partner (see Polygamy). Nor does it describe the act of having numerous sex partners. What defines a polyamorous person is an open involvement in more than one meaningful sexually intimate relationship.

Polygamy: The practice of having more than one marriage partner at any given time. One is said to be polygamous if they are legally married to more than one person at a time.

Queer: Once considered a derogatory word, some people use this term to be all inclusive of gay, lesbian, bisexual and transgender people. Warning: Some people still find this word offensive.

Saysbian: A fake lesbian. Someone who says they’re a lesbian, but only seems to have sex with men because being a lesbian is so chic right now!

Scissoring: What men think lesbians do in bed, what lesbians know we don’t do in bed.

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Soft butch: The soft butch is like a Crème Egg; they appear to have a hard exterior but are soft on the inside.

Spagetti lesbian: A woman who is straight until she is wet. So basically get her hot and horny and she’s yours.

Stem: A stem is a lesbian who identifies somewhere between “stud” and “femme.”

Stone Butch: A lesbian who doesn’t like to be touched in a sexual way, always preferring to give than receive. Often found with a “pillow princess”.

Stud: a dominant lesbian, usually butch.

Top: Someone that is dominant in bed.

Transgender: Specifically, this term describes people who live primarily in a gender that is not associated with their birth sex but who have also not opted to hormonally or surgically change their gender and/or do not identify as Transsexual (see definition). For example, a person with female birth sex who is living as the physical gender of a man may often bind her breasts, prefer a male name, identify as a man, prefer to be known as a man, and wear the clothing, hairstyle and other physical indicators of a man. More generally, the term Transgender also describes anyone who lives their personal identity in a manner that crosses gender boundaries, which includes Transsexuals and Transvestites (see definition).

Transsexual: This term describes a person who views their birth sex as incorrect and/or incompatible with their self-image and inner feeling of their gender and who will take steps to change their gender as a result. Some of the methods used in changing one’s gender include hormone therapy and gender-reassignment surgery. Often, the following abbreviations are used to describe people who are in the process of transitioning from one gender to another: F2M means Female to Male and describes women who are in the process of transitioning from their birth sex as female to the gender of male; M2F means Male to Female and  describes men who are in the process of transitioning from their birth sex as male to the gender of female.

Transvestite: Anyone who fully dresses in clothes, make-up, hairstyles and other physical attire to purposely identify themselves as the opposite gender or sex and who is more broadly recognized as crossing gender boundaries.

Trysexual: A girl who will try anything once.

U-haul Lesbian: A girl who tends to move in fairly quickly with those she dates.

Vagitarian: A code word for lesbian.

Vajazzle: To give the female genitals a sparkly makeover with crystals so as to enhance their appearance.

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Vanilla: Non-kinky, non-risqué sex. Plain and simple intercourse.

If I have missed anything or you feel like my definitions are wrong, please let me know!

xx

Eldiese.

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Sapphic Senses: Sound

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“Oh sweet baby Jesus!!!!”

A sound that we all love to hear, and lets face it you love to make it too because most likely you are in the throws of passion and about to have your 5th mind shattering orgasm! 

 

Sounds, I don’t know how people live without them. Having deaf people in my life I find that I appreciate sounds a lot more, not just the sounds that tell you the you’ve hit that sweet spot but the sounds that tell you that you’re loved, the sounds that comfort you, the sounds that scare the living crap out of you and yes of course, the sounds that make your motor run. And there are also those times when you’re not really listening at all because you’re too busy staring at her boobs.

The sounds that make you realise that you are loved have to be some of my favourites. Besides the actual words ‘I love you’ there are so many sounds that let you know that you are loved; the sound of a kiss on your forehead, her breathing next you slowly and rhythmically while she sleeps, the sound of her laughing… and so many more that make you smile.

My favourite sound is the sound of heart beat, I am a nurse and so heart beats not only help me ascertain the health status of my patients but when I am at home nothing calms me down or helps me sleep more than the sound of her heart underneath my head as I lay on her chest. The human heart is a muscle that tell us everything we need to know about ourselves, the sounds it makes tell us when we push ourselves too hard, when we are sick and make us realise that we are alive.

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What about the sounds that scare you? I don’t know about you, but if it’s dark and my floor board creeks I am hiding under the covers and hoping someone will come home faster than you can say “bogey man”. Bats screeching is another one that gets me every time, because if I can hear the little flying rat then it’s close and could attack at any time! What about the groan that comes from the bathroom when your better half realises she just got her period? Now that’s a scary sound! Not only does it mean a week full of hormones lay ahead of you  (which is scary enough!), but also a week of an interrupted sex life. Or better yet, the sound of your mother-in-laws voice on the other end of the phone saying “We’re coming to visit!”. Shudder.

So what about the sounds that get your motor running? For me, its hearing that gasp, that intake of breath when you kiss that spot at the base of her neck or various other places… I guess that really any sound that tells you that you’re doing it right is a good sound.

But what are the other sounds that you like?

I like the sound of no alarm on the weekend, the sound of her playing guitar, the sound of my friends around me having a laugh… Happy sounds.

So what are your happy sounds?

xx

Eldiese

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The U-Haul

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“What does a lesbian bring to the second date?”

Yeah, yeah… I’ve heard the jokes before. I’ve paid my friends out for moving in together after a month, told them how silly they were and promised myself that I would never be THAT lesbian. We all know them, we all are them, we’ve all done our flaps over a women, gone from ‘your hot’ to OHMYGODWE’RESOULDMATES faster than you can say “Will you carry our baby or will I?”. With the mutual We-we-we-we-ing and the loss of desire for personal space, we are kind of nauseating.  But as my girlfriend is currently moving her things into my house after having only been together for 6 months, it has occurred to me that perhaps I am that lesbian and that I can’t really judge. But I’m going to anyway.

What is it that drives the urge to merge? Why do we want to spend all our time with one another (is it the same for straight couples)? Why are we unable to date?! You can use all of the excuses you want:

“It’s cheaper.”

“We practically live together anyway.”

“My ex kicked me out and I have nowhere else to go.”

 It’s still a U-Haul. I have never U-Hauled before (well until now), but I’ve come close… Looking back on all of my previous relationships (including those with men) I have been guilty of the continuous Lesbian Sleepover and for abusing the ol’ Lesbo Security Blanket.

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Side note: The Lesbo Security Blanket is a phenomenon that occurs shortly after two women start sleeping together. You love having that person next to you so much, they make you feel safe, secure and warm, like a security blanket and you get a bit of separation anxiety when she leaves your side for ten minutes. 

After a while (about a week) it’s just expected that that person will be next to you. So you live between two houses (often basing yourself at one house and just going home for clean undies) and eventually (one month) you start to think to yourself ‘Well, I spend all of my time here anyway. It would be cheaper just to move in.’ Nope. Not ok… Just walk away.

Dr. Lauren Costine, a Clincial Psychologist based in Beverly Hills, is pioneering programming devoted to lesbian minds (yay! someone is trying to figure us out! is of the opinion that U-hauling happens for two reasons. The first being that biologically our brains are wired for a relationships and connection. We emit much more Oxytocin than men. Oxytocin is a hormone women emit  when they’re falling in love, having sex, or breastfeeding. It’s biological encouragement to attach. It feels so good that for some women, in this case lesbians, they can’t get enough. So there! A hormonal reason! Damn Hormones! The second reason U-Hauling happens is society. We live in a society that tells all women being in a relationship is one of the, if not the most important life goal. Combine those two factors with low self-esteem caused by internalized lesbianphobia, and you’ve got the U-haul recipe. When that person starts getting love from another woman, it temporarily fills that low self-esteem. Dam that low self esteem.

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I’m sure this doesn’t just happen to lesbians, like I said I have experienced the urge to merge in a heterosexual relationship… but maybe that was because I was a lesbian all along. Then again i think that the urge to merge really stems from our training in gender performance and the social pressures we are under, like Dr Lauren said. That’s right. I’m going to get psychological on your arse. We, as women, are trained from birth to be nurturing and accommodating, to stroke the ego’s those around us, to make them feel good. We also crave this ego stroking for ourselves as we second guess and undercut our own self-esteem on a daily basis (ah, see theres that self esteem rearing it’s ugly head again). So if you find someone who will let you nurture and care for them and return the favour, why wouldn’t you want to spend all of your time with them?

And what about that nagging voice that says things like “You’re nobody unless somebody loves you.”? Personally I want to tell that voice to shut the fuck up and get up out of my head. But the sad thing is, that it’s not just the voice in you shouting these obscene words of hate but also the bitches on the street. It’s a shame that our self worth is so heavily influenced by the opinions of others, but even as children, with our Disney Princesses, society told us to be in a couple. So really it’s society’s fault.

The other factor I think, are our emotions. We are taught to embrace our feelings, to speak to our BFF’s about them, dive right in and swim around in them. We are emotional beings, whether we like it or not. Because we are so vocal about our wants and needs and other women actually listen to the emotional blah blah that come out of our mouths we are intone with each other’s wants and needs so we know exactly what the other wants and that how we come to the OHMYGODWE’RESOULDMATES-ness. Because this woman gets you, you feel like you’ve known this person your whole life… Blah Blah Blah.

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So, yeah. The U-Haul is based in some reality – but it is the reality of our social training in the gender binary far far more than it is something about women that is different from men. Lesbians are not just big relationship whores because they’re needy or irrational or emotional as some inherent trait of woman-ness.

Ok so here’s my advice (not that I can give it because like I said, my Mrs is moving in as I type):

- Slow down – try texting her  every second day and only going on one date a week for a few weeks (No she will not run away from you if you don’t text back). Then again, she is a lesbian, so she might, she might also have 45 cats and be bat-shit crazy but that’s just a risk you’re going to have to take.

- Don’t lose yourself – have you time, time with the girls, hell maybe even date other people. You do not have to spend all of your time at home with your woman discussing who was your favourite character on the L Word and how many children you want.

And really, that’s where my advice ends, because realistically, you’re not going to listen to me anyway. So have fun with your U-Haul. And I little tip to make the experience easier, if you go to Bunnings and buy something (say a 4 metre long piece of timber which costs $5) and it won’t fit in your car, then they will give you a trailer for the day! $5 moving trailer! Woop!

So my loves, remember loss of personal space is not ideal in a relationship, don’t sell your stuff when she moves in and if her clothes take up more space than yours in the wardrobe, kick the bitch out.

xx

Eldiese

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